As Raw returns from a commercial break, a spotlight shines on the ring. We see that a carpet covers the squared circle. A comfy-looking sofa chair has been placed in one corner of the ring, and five chairs have been placed in the opposite corner. WWE microphones have been placed on all chairs.
Cole: Welcome back to the longest-running weekly episodic television show in history! This is Monday Night Raw live from Boston! Rumors have been running rampant that "the most popular talk show of all time will be making its return to prime time television", and judging by the makeover of the ring, it looks like that's gonna take place right here and now.
JBL: We got us a mystery here Maggle, haha I love it! This doesn't look like the set of Piper's Pit, The Cutting Edge, or Miz TV. What is this talk show and who's gonna host it?
As soon as the crowd noise dies down, "Antichrist Superstar" by Marylin Manson starts playing over the loudspeakers. The crowd erupts in cheers as Kaiser Cavanah steps into a WWE arena for the first time ever, wearing an expensive tuxedo, shoes shined to perfection, and a giant grin.
Cole: OH MY!
King: *Jerry Lawler Shriek*Cavanah walks down the ramp, high-fiving the many cheering fans seated at ringside, before stepping into the carpeted ring and taking a seat on his sofa chair in the corner.
JBL: It’s the last WCSF World Champion! The first PCW World Champion! The man who beat everybody on the PCW roster in one match at Escalation! But this is a different animal. This is the WWE, where the lights are on bright!
King: If you ask me, he put those companies out of business and he’s here to do the same thing. This guy is known for his outrageous antics and extremely arrogant attitude.
Cavanah waits a couple minutes for the electric crowd to quiet down, before settling into his sofa chair and bringing the WWE mic to his lips, ready to explain why he’s here.
Kaiser: It’s no secret that Raw’s ratings have been in the shitter for some time now. As a result… the higher-ups in the company got desperate.
Real desperate. The great visionary himself, Vincent Kennedy McMahon racked his brains trying to figure out how to get the ratings back up. And in his desperation… Vince turned to a man he didn’t fully understand.
Cavanah grins, obviously talking about himself as some audience members cheer for the Dark Knight reference.
Kaiser: So about a week ago, I get a call. Vince McMahon tells me, “Kaiser, I need someone who’s got the grapefruits to really shake things up. You’re the man for the job. I’m faxing you a WWE contract. Please sign it, and put whatever number you want on it.”
Cavanah pauses.
Kaiser: I said, “Vinny, if you pick me up in your private jet this Monday night and fly me to Boston, you’ve got yourself a deal.”
The crowd gives off a big pop for the mention of their hometown, despite Kaiser’s obviously embellished story.
Kaiser: So without any further ado… ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the hottest talk show in late-night TV! The often controversial but always honest Cavanah’s Corner! I am your glorious host, and YOU are in for one hell of a good time! Tonight, I’ve invited 5 very special guests to have a chat with me here on the ‘Corner. Please welcome… THE AUTHORITY!
Behold the KingThe King of Kings“King of Kings” by Motorhead welcomes The Authority into the arena, but it soon becomes apparent that these are not the REAL Authority members, but fake actors hired by Cavanah to impersonate the actual Authority members.
Cole: Hey! This is a travesty!
King: *Jerry Lawler Shriek*First up is “Triple H”, played by an actor in a suit wearing a massive fake nose. Next to enter is “Stephanie McMahon”, an attractive model with a spray-on tan and fake tits. Next up is “The Big Show”, played by an actor wearing a fat suit. He has a huge grin on his face and high-fives the fans as he walks down the ramp. “Kane” is wearing his wrestling attire and mask on one half of his body, and a corporate suit on the other half. Last to enter is “Seth Rollins”, wearing a replica WWE title belt around his waist, and the newest Triple H t-shirt.
Fake Seth Rollins runs ahead and holds the middle rope down for fake Triple H, to help him enter the ring. Fake Big Show enthusiastically waves to the fans before taking his seat along with the other guests. Kaiser Cavanah suspiciously observes the giant and brings the mic up to his mouth.
Kaiser: First off, something needs to be cleared up because I’m a bit confused. Big Show, I thought you were a bad guy. What happened?
The fake Big Show has a hard time bringing up his microphone due to his fat suit, but somehow he manages to do it.
Show: Well, very recently I decided that I didn’t want to be a jerk to the fans anymore. WWE has the greatest fans in the world. Especially the fans… right here in Boston!
The Boston fans can’t help but react to Big Show’s cheap pop. The jolly grinning giant gives a thumbs-up to the crowd, as Cavanah still looks on in confusion.
Kaiser: Well good for you, big man. It’s just that in the past, you’ve—
Suddenly, Big Show’s grin transforms into a scowl of disgust. He interrupts Cavanah before the host can finish his sentence.
Show: Kaiser, I can’t take this anymore! I’m tired of having to come out here week after week and smile at these idiots and their stupid kids! Do you people think I’m here to put smiles on your faces? You think I’m a joke? I’m a GIANT! You people can stick it!
The crowd boos Big Show and starts up a “please retire” chant, which seems to irritate the giant even more.
Kaiser: What an unprecedented event we’ve just witnessed here on Cavanah’s Corner! The Big Show has turned heel. …again.
Show: Actually Kaiser, after spending a long time reflecting on my actions in the past, I’ve realized the error of my ways. I’m a changed man. I’m ready for these great fans to accept me back into their hearts. I’m sorry! I’M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
The Big Show starts crying, making the situation even more bizarre than it already was.
Kaiser: Mr. Show, it seems that too many heel and face turns over the years have clearly affected your sanity. You have no fucking idea what your alignment is anymore, do you?
Show: Are you calling me a nutcase? Making fun of me just like these morons in Boston are? I’m a GIANT! And—
Kaiser: Look, I’m not going to tolerate you disrupting my show with your constant turns. Sit down, shut up, and please retire.
Big Show has no choice but to wait for his next face turn as the fans start up another “please retire” chant.
Show: One last thing. Did I mention I’m a GIANT?
Kaiser: No, I don’t think that was properly established. Look, I’m moving on to another guest.
Cavanah straightens his tie, determined to soldier on through the rest of the show.
Kaiser: Mr. Kane, we all know the creative team has driven you insane too. Which version of Kane are you right now? Corporate Kane? Masked Kane? Rapper Kane? Coffee-Fearing Kane? Libertarian Kane? Citizen Kane? Connoisseur of Smooth Jazz Kane?
Kane has a blank look on his face.
Kane: I'm just a decent guy making a living off of by being involved in some really stupid shit on TV. It works for Nicholas Cage. It works for me.
Cavanah shrugs, seeing Kane's fair point. The host then addresses the fake Triple H (and his huge nose).
Kaiser: The Legendary Great Cerebral Destroyer of Assassin Kings, TRIPLE H!
“Triple H” looks smug as Seth Rollins claps in the background.
Kaiser: Haitch, tell us how you feel at this stage of your career.
Fake Triple H starts speaking in a comically gruff voice, parodying the COO of WWE.
Triple H: Here’s the thing. Everyone knows I’m the biggest star in the history of this business. I’m a 14,000 time world champion and a member of DX, the group that created the Attitude Era and won the Monday Night Wars singlehandedly. But here’s the thing. It’s time for me to step out of the spotlight and put people over.
Triple H turns to Rollins and pats him on the back. Rollins almost falls over and holds his back in pain, overselling Triple H’s power.
Triple H: But since nobody is good enough to beat me, I used my cerebral powers to genetically clone a Mini-Me. I shall call him… Seth Rollins! He’s only HALF the man I am!
Rollins shakes his head in total agreement as Cavanah looks on in confusion.
Kaiser: How exactly does that statement put Rollins over?
Triple H: Well, here’s the thing. Most wrestlers are only 1/25th the man I am, so Rollins is way ahead of the curve. To put him over even more, I'm gonna wrestle him soon. He's not going to win of course, but I'll let the kid get some good shots in. For I am a generous god. By the way Seth, can you stroke my ego?
Rollins bows down to Triple H and places his WWE Championship belt at the feet of the king.
Rollins: All hail Lord Triple H the Great and Powerful! We mortals are not worthy of his love.
Kaiser Cavanah facepalms, wishing PCW was still around. Suddenly, Big Show knocks out Seth Rollins with a KO Punch – apparently turning face again by being against The Authority.
Fake Stephanie McMahon brushes aside her hair so that her fake tits are on full display, and takes the mic from the fallen Rollins.
Steph: My husband and I are good people. Remember The Ultimate Warrior’s Hall of Fame speech, where he said that WWE needed to get a #DivasRevolution hashtag trending on Twitter? Well, we honored Warrior’s wish and made that happen. WWE has empowered females around the globe by showing that women can trend on Twitter just as well as men!
Cavanah scratches his head, trying to recall Warrior saying such a thing in his speech.
A gigantic
#DIVASREVOLTUION hashtag appears on the titantron, accompanied by photos of Becky Lynch, Charlotte, and Sasha Banks all smiling at something unrelated.
Steph: During his speech Warrior also said that he wanted all the wrestlers, staff, and ring ropes to be pink for a month, to let sponsors and investors know that WWE is aware that breast cancer exists and deeply cares about its existence a lot. We honored Warrior’s wish again. Because philanthropy is the future of marketing. Kaiser, are you convinced yet that WWE is the best company ever?
Kaiser: Not quite.
Steph: Then... you're just a horrible person without a heart.
Kaiser: I
am a horrible person without a heart, but that's beside the point. The point is that Raw's ratings suck. And based on what I've witnessed tonight by interviewing all of you, I can certainly understand why that's the case.
Triple H and Stephanie start protesting, but Cavanah cuts them off.
Triple H: I mean, I've seen some ridiculous things during my time in WCSF and PCW, but this takes the cake. With this kind of management and booking, I'm baffled as to how WWE has existed for this long. Change is needed. And believe me, change is coming. Vince McMahon was right: I am the man for the job. This company is gonna get turned upside down and then built back up to heights even greater than those of the Attitude Era. And that's a guarantee, courtesy of Kaiser Cavanah.
Cavanah drops his mic and exits the Cavanah's Corner set, glancing at the replica WWE Championship belt as he does so.
JBL: I'm not sure what I just saw.
Cole: Still to come later tonight, John Cena takes on Kane and Big Show in a Handicap Match! How will Cena fare against these enormous odds? Find out as Raw rolls on!