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ELI5: Philadelphia Eagles

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ELI5: Philadelphia Eagles

Postby PorkChop » Apr 03, '19, 1:44 pm

TLDR: I don't give a fuck about the Philadelphia Eagles. I just need to know as much information as possible to drive someone insane in 2 days time.

THE STORY:

I used to be best friends with a guy back for much of my childhood, up until the age of about 18. As we grew up, he became one of those guys who always masqueraded as a girl's "best friend" in order to get close to her, when deep down he just wanted to bang (you know the type). He was so good at this that several girls legitimately believed he was their best friend and had absolutely no ulterior motives. This bothered me of course, but it wasn't until he slowly began "best friending" my girlfriend over a period of several months (and a few other of my friend's girlfriends) that it became an issue. A big fight followed, and we went our separate ways. I broke up with my girlfriend shortly after as the whole thing drove a wedge between us.

I couldn't care about him now, and we haven't spoken for about 10 years. But he still really seems to care about me. One of my friends found his Twitter, in which even after 10 years have passed, he's still regularly making thinly-veiled references and jokes about me to some distant mutual acquaintances, shitting on my football team purely because I support them, and various other things. It's quite weird as I haven't seen him, thought about him, spoken to him, or spoken about him to anyone else for many years, but the memory of me still seems to bother him a decade later.

WHY I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE EAGLES:

I am at a stag do this weekend. It's for a mutual friend, and I've just been told this guy will be there.

In between this guy's references and criticisms about me on Twitter, the football team I support, etc etc, he tweets about the Philadelphia Eagles regularly. It seems, for whatever reason, he's a HUGE Eagles fan.

I'm not going to let the guy know I've seen his Twitter, or confront him about anything he's said, as I don't give a fuck. I'm just going to pretend to be a massive Eagles fan, as the prospect of supporting the same team as me (after he's made it clear he still hates me and the teams I support) will drive him absolutely insane.

WHAT I NEED TO KNOW:

- Are the Eagles any good?
- Who are their best players?
- Have they won anything lately?
- What's the latest news with the squad?
- Some basic history (enough to get through his inevitable "Oh yeah? Name the last _____" interrogation)

Those of you who help will be rewarded with rep, as it's all I can give you. I will also provide an update after the weekend is over in case any of you are curious as to whether this guy explodes with rage.
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Re: ELI5: Philadelphia Eagles

Postby The Legend » Apr 03, '19, 5:41 pm

The Eagles are decent, they won the Super Bowl in 2017, missed out this past year. Their best player is probably their QB Carson Wentz who is a young guy and finished his two seasons injured (he's recovering from a broken back). Their offense has a good line and decent pass catchers (Alshon Jeffery, Desean Jackson, Zach Ertz.

They just traded for a running back Jordan Howard (it was a really good deal, Howard has been very productive the last few seasons in Chicago).

The defense is the weakness of the team.

That Super Bowl in 2017 was the first in the team's history, the team had other previous good runs and close calls, most notably when Donovan McNabb was quarterback, but they always came up short.
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Re: ELI5: Philadelphia Eagles

Postby ShaneOfan » Apr 03, '19, 10:14 pm

Okay so I live like an hour from Philly, lets do this!

-Are the Eagles any good? Who the fuck cares? Certainly not Philly fans. The team could go 2-14 and they will still talk about beating the Pats in the Superbowl like it has some sort of fucking relevance a few seasons later. Just bring that up a bunch. Also mention the Philly special, it was a great play and worked well. They are a decent team in an okay divison and probably only made the playoffs last year because The Skins were so beat up. But never admit that. To be fair they did have a good run and some luck helped in the playoffs. Fuck the Cowgirls as well. Make sure it's the Cowgirls, never the Cowboys. Also while he doesn't play anymore, you hate Tony Homo. The Eagles will probably finish 2nd in their divison this year after The Skins, but it's a toss up. But the Cowboys should be okay as well. The Giants blew up their team. You dont like them or the Skins, but you HATE the Cowgirls.

-Who are their best players? All of them. Seriously dont even try. They are all the best. Key guys to know would be Wentz( QB) you liked Foles, but Wentz was the way to go. You are excited for Jordan Howard(RB) who you got from Da' Bears(look up how to pronounce) and especially to have Desean Jackson(WR) back in Philly, you got him from Tampa/The Buccs. Foles, Matthews(WR), and Tate(WR) are all gone and now officially "a bum" or collectively "bums." That should cover you player wise. Maybe sprinkle in wanting to sure up the defense in the draft.

- Have they won anything lately? Superbowl 2 years ago. Bring this up. A LOT. Like every third fucking sentence. Hell every thirdword. He wont get upset, because Lord fucking knows, he will be bringing it up. Also they got screwed in the playoffs lastbyear(they actually kind of did...) fuck those refs. NFL just wanted Brady to have another ring.

- What's the latest news with the squad? Well for one, never call it a squad. That's like calling a WWE Superstar a Wrestler. It will make you stand out. As for News, again you are ecstatic to have Jackson back. Other then that, you are waiting for the draft in a few weeks. If he plays coy and tries to trap you with a "what weekend is the draft" dont take the bait. No one remembers that shit until like 2 days before, then it's all "fuck thats this week". Just focus on wanting to build up the defense. Also while it doesn't affect the Eagles, you are glad OBJ(Beckham is acceptable)(WR) got traded from the Giants to Cleveland, and you hope the Browns destroy the Steelers. Because you hate the Steelers(different divison but same state)

- Some basic history (enough to get through his inevitable "Oh yeah? Name the last _____" interrogation)
Your favorite QB was McNabb, but Cunningham was great just a bit before your time. It's dealers choice on how you felt about Vick. He was decent, but there is still the dog fighting thing. You liked Andy Reid, but fuck Chip Kelly. You really wish you had Shady(Current Bills RB) back but he IS old now. Reggie White(DE) and Brian Dawkins(S) were both great players(but you probably only remember Dawkins, not sure of your age.) Tean was founded by Burt Bell your current "Owner" is Jeff Lurie(pronounced Lure E) Coach is Doug Pederson. Throw in that your favorite Tight End willnstill always be Chad Lewis. He wasn't great, or even that memorable but it will give you some cred.

Your jersey color is "Kelly Green"(that could be more important then you think) and your biggest rivals in order are 1. Cowgirls 2. Giants 3. Steelers 4. Skins 5. Patriots. But you are okay hating the Patriots more then any team but the Cowgirls. I can't emphasize enough how much you hate the Cowgirls. You also LOVE singing Fly Eagles Fly. Look it up so you get the pacing correct. He WILL make you sing it. And your Stadium is Lincoln Financial aka The Link. It is next to Citizens Bank park where the Phills play and they used to play at The Vet. Also your favorite play ever, either tied with or even more then the Philly Special, is "4th and 26" https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source= ... qG92yHlIBk McNabb to Freddie Mitchell.

Anything else?
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Re: ELI5: Philadelphia Eagles

Postby The Legend » Apr 04, '19, 7:53 am

My answer feels so small and inadequate next to ShaneOFan's answer.
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Re: ELI5: Philadelphia Eagles

Postby ShaneOfan » Apr 04, '19, 6:17 pm

To be fair, I was really high when I did that, and was in super focus mode.
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