Dating thread

[Ali]

I've been in one of the worst depressive funks of my life for about a week now. Slowly, I've been opening up about this subject. I've discussed possibilities with certain people to help me, but again, my brain comes in and ruins me.

I don't like myself. I don't like the fact that I have physical thoughts and desires, but at the same time, I don't like the fact that I'm so uncomfortable with what I understand to be a natural part of life. I want a physical experience, but I hate myself for it. And then there's the question of do I actually just want a thrill, or do I really want to have something more meaningful and emotional?

I've given serious thought to just going to a legal place and paying for it, but even that concerns me. What if it's not what I need? What if I just end up feeling terrible and empty? But then... what if that's my only chance? What if this is the only hope for me? Who would choose to be with me if I didn't pay them?

I don't know what the hell to do. I don't know what I can give in a relationship. I fear not being able to be equal in a relationship. I fear being made fun of. I fear being rejected. I don't approach people or go out much because of these fears, but then I don't know how to get people to know me. I keep it all hidden inside me until I lash out in anger and depression, and then the cycle starts again.

There is no worse feeling on the planet than knowing for a FACT that people love you, care for you, and want to help you... but your own brain convinces you that they're all lying.

[Daz]

There's a lot more going on and there's a deeper issue at play here (i.e. not liking yourself) and it's manifesting itself as a physical desire/need/whatever. I don't think you're gonna find what you're looking for down that particular road, and when it doesn't quite give you what you want, it's probably gonna make matters worse.

I know how it feels when you think your family is lying to you, even when you know it's the truth. I spent too long thinking nobody cared about my opinion, nobody cared what I had to say, even if I knew deep down they did. I can't say for sure what changed. I think for the most part, I learnt to care. Your thoughts matter, your opinions matter, you matter.

It's easier said than done obviously. I spent the better part of the past two years depressed. All I can really say is don't try to force it, and don't think there's an easy fix. It's a gradual process and you've already taken a huge first step in opening up about the way you're feeling, even if it's only among the people here, and just getting things off your chest is gonna do a lot to clear the cobwebs.

[Viazon]

What amount of time should you wait before you let a girl know of all the stuff you are into?

Got chatting to this nice girl on Tinder. She lives near by. Around my age. Very good looking. We were chatting a bit. She asked me what I was up to this weekend. I could have lied but I figured it would be best if I told her the truth. I told her I was in London to watch a wrestling show.

She has since not replied.

[Hanley!]

I always figure go with honesty straight up. First of all, it just feels shitty hiding these things from people. Like you have something to be ashamed of. Plus later on, when you eventually admit to liking these things, you'll probably feel weird and shy about it and that kind of reaction always leads to less respect and more ridicule. It's hard to look down on someone who likes something and doesn't care who knows it.

Her not replying probably doesn't have anything to do with you watching a wrestling show. If it does, then what kind of shallow twat is she anyway?

[SortaCreative]

She has since not replied.

lol

don't worry about it. that's kind of shallow.

[PorkChop]

Under no circumstances would I ever tell a prospective girlfriend that I was a wrestling fan. That's the kind of thing you save until you're married, as it's too late for her to run away by then.

[Everlong]

Never will I ever reveal to my fiance that for years, I ran and participated in an internet wrestling federation. I understand your reservations.

[Hanley!]

Under no circumstances would I ever tell a prospective girlfriend that I was a wrestling fan. That's the kind of thing you save until you're married, as it's too late for her to run away by then.

That's kinda sad though.

[PorkChop]

Under no circumstances would I ever tell a prospective girlfriend that I was a wrestling fan. That's the kind of thing you save until you're married, as it's too late for her to run away by then.

That's kinda sad though.

Yeah, but that's the way it is these days. A lot of people would find a grown man who still watches wrestling a bit weird. Wrestling is terminally uncool, is mocked pretty commonly, and the biggest promotion in the world is (to an extent) targeted at children. It's not the most uncool thing a guy could be into, I can think of far worse hobbies than watching wrestling. But there's a reason why we'd all quickly scroll past the WWE-Club banner on the index page when logging on in a public place - being a wrestling fan just isn't fashionable in today's society.

So yes, it's sad that some people would laugh at others for their choice in television shows. But would I tell a prospective partner I'm a wrestling fan? Absolutely not.

[Hanley!]

Maybe it's my overly critical nature, but I tend to think that nobody could possibly look down on me more for enjoying wrestling than I might look down on them for enjoying a number of more socially acceptable things like X Factor, Prometheus or any terrible music. If you don't look at it as your tastes against the world's and think of it more as your taste compared with the other person's taste, it's not quite so daunting.

Kirbi didn't like wrestling for years after I started going out with her. Probably about 4 years. But I never kept it from her and she never judged me for it (that I know of) and eventually she got into it herself because of proximity.

My previous girlfriend really thought it was stupid, but it never really bothered me all that much. She liked some really shitty horror films that I couldn't stand (Hostel was chief among them) so that put us on the same level as far as I was concerned. And her little brother loved wrestling, so me knowing my stuff about it came in handy once or twice. Like when he got really upset after seeing some video online about Jeff Hardy's arrest online. None of the family had any idea what he had seen or what was happening.

I dunno, for any of you who are opposed to letting your girlfriends (or fiances) know you watch wrestling, how much would it change your opinion of them if you found out that they were soap opera fanatics, or if they loved My Little Pony, or wrote Twilight fan fiction? You might not share their enjoyment of these things, or even understand it, but would you hold it against them? Would it make you less likely to continue the relationship?

Being honest doesn't seem like that big a deal to me. This is a pretty small thing.

[Twister]

Being a girl who's into wrestling how ever, has worked in my favour in the past. To some guys a female wrestling fan (especially one who's favourite wrestler is NOT John Cena) is akin to seeing a unicorn, in my experience anyway

Seriously though, anyone who would stop talking to someone because they happen to be a wrestling fan or a fan of anything that's not considered 'fashionable' in today's society is not worth your time. I 100% guarantee that you can do better.

[Viazon]

I would rather have no one then have to lie about who I am. I don't think anyone has to hide anything. I know to you all, I come across as some desperate guy who badly needs a girlfriend. But I would rather be alone than be with someone while not being myself. As it turns out, the guy who eats whole chickens in a Tesco car park has some pride and dignity.

I have one female friend who I know from school. We talk all the time about most things. At one time we were both on POF. Me looking for a girl. Her looking for a boy. She said she would look at my profile and give a girls perspective on how it comes across. After she read it, she gave me tips on how I could change it. She told me things to leave it and what things I should add. The problem with that being is that all of the changes she asked me to do, basically meant making myself out to be someone I'm not and leaving out everything that makes me who I am. She said there is nothing wrong with how I am, but more girls are likely to respond when I seem like someone they would be into. I don't except that. No one should lie about who they are. I told her I would rather have no girls be interested in me than make myself out to be someone different.

[Kein]

I just wanna see your POF profile.

I agree with you and Hanley! though, you shouldn't have to lie about yourself. Be who you are and if they don't like it and want out because of it, that's their loss (cause you guys are awesome). Really this is just about compatibility though, finding people who you get along with, there isn't (generally) a good guy and a bad guy.

HOWEVER. I also believe there is tact in what you say about yourself. If I hung out with someone and they asked what I am into, I am definitely more likely to say I am into physical fitness, rather than saying I am a knife lover because I like sharp toys. I will sometimes purposely be vague in my responses, so I either A) don't have to explain myself cause I'm lazy or B) don't want to scare someone away before they get to know me in other ways. Viazon's situation is a lil different because their question was more specific, and he answered where he was and what it was about, but I think it also depends on how much wrestling is a part of Viazon's life.

[SortaCreative]

Never will I ever reveal to my fiance that for years, I ran and participated in an internet wrestling federation. I understand your reservations.

Don't worry Tim, i'll Facebook message her and let her know. BE FREE TIM. BE FREEEE OF YOUR SHACKLES

[PorkChop]

tl;dr: The most unbelievable dating horror story in this thread. I'm not even involved and I'm still fucking mad about it.

There's quite a few people in this story and it gets pretty complicated and brutal, so here's a key:

L - a good friend of mine, one of the nicest guys I know.
A - fairly sweet girl, quite attractive. Very unconfident and timid.
M - practicing Muslim, also gay. These are two important parts to this story.
H - morbidly obese emo girl with a fondness for drama, who always gets her own way. Best friends with M.

This has happened over the course of the last two months or so - for anyone wondering how I know all the ins and outs of all this, I know all the people involved (especially L) and my mum and A's mum work together and are close friends.

Basically, L and A have been interested in one another since they met at a party in August. Neither of them have had a relationship before. It was A who actually suggested meeting up a few times, which was surprising as she has no confidence whatsoever and keeps herself to herself a lot of the time, so to see her actually going out of her way to organise something with L suggested that she really liked him. Eventually L tells A he likes her, and A positively responds, saying the same. They were basically laying the groundwork for a relationship, and had plans to see each other quite frequently.

Meanwhile, M, a practicing Muslim who comes from a very strict family, needs a girlfriend as his dad is starting to get suspicious about his sexuality. Maybe the fact that M is as camp as a row of tents and has been with about 30 different blokes by the age of 21 set off his dad's suspicions, we'll never know. However, M's dad doesn't approve of homosexuality, and thus, M decides he needs a faux-girlfriend to convince his family he's not gay. He informs H of this plan, a boisterous, bullying landwhale who enjoys throwing around her considerable weight.

H tells A that my friend, L, only wants her for sex and has been trash talking her behind her back. This is a complete lie on both counts. However, A is distraught at hearing this and phones L in tears, telling him how she thought he was a nice guy and how she envisioned them getting together, but now he's ruined it. L tells her he has no idea what she's on about, but A believes he's simply lying to her again. A cuts off all communication with him after this phonecall, blocks him on Facebook, won't respond to his texts or calls.

H then tells A that M is being beaten by his father because he doesn't have a girlfriend. She explains he's going to get kicked out of his house, and that he'll have nowhere to go. Again, none of this is true. She basically guilt trips A into getting with M, and A, who is incredibly timid and afraid to stand up for herself, goes along with it. However, A didn't know at this point that M was gay, and that she was basically being used as a pawn in a big cover-up - she only realised this after M confided to her that he was gay, a week or so into their 'relationship'. He reminded her that she couldn't break up with him, because he'll get beaten by his father and kicked out his house. Again, none of this is true - M just needs A to masquerade as his girlfriend for as long as possible, so he's guilt-tripped and bullied her into staying with him by repeating the story that he created with H.

Apparently M's parents were overjoyed that he found himself a girlfriend, and they invited A to go on holiday with them - despite that by the time they were supposed to go on the holiday, M and A would've only been in a 'relationship' for about three weeks. Again, A being timid and unconfident, agrees to go on this holiday as she didn't want to refuse the offer. While they were on holiday, at night, M would go on Grindr to find gay men in the area to have sex with. As it would have looked strange to M's family if M went out at night without A, A was forced to follow M cruising around the local area looking for gay men. She'd stand outside flats in a foreign country while M was inside, having sex with guys. Sometimes they went to several different places per night, her just stood outside waiting for him to finish - and then they'd return to their accommodation and pretend to M's family that they had a great evening out together.

M's parents are actually under the impression that M and A are in a fun and exciting relationship - when that couldn't be further from the truth. A feels horribly alone and desperately wants to break up with M, but she genuinely believes he'll be beaten and thrown out onto the street if she does. A's mum spoke to my mum and said that A has become horribly depressed and spends a lot of her time at home crying, and said A believes she's far too deep into all of this to break up with M.

L has tried to get back in contact with A on several occasions and explain that she's been lied to, but A still believes he's a douchebag who only wanted her for sex. She wants nothing to do with him, despite him being the only honest person in this whole horror story. I've never heard of such a brutal web of lies, and how M and H can actually go along with this, taking advantage of someone in the way they have, is terrible. I feel so sorry for A, having been duped into this.

[Daz]

And that's why I don't associate with people.

[Hanley!]

Have you tried talking to A? It seems like giving L a little support might let A see that the other's haven't been honest with her. I'd definitely try. Maybe she'd be inclined to believe you'd play along with any phony story he had concocted because you two are friends, but if you manage to tell her some of the story, surely she'd see how she'd been duped by the other two. If nothing else, you could definitely try to persuade her that covering for M is not her responsibility and she shouldn't have to sacrifice her happiness for his, particularly given how little he seems to care about her sacrifices.

Also, does H have a boyfriend? Tell A that if she's so keen that M has a fake girlfriend, she can do it herself.

It might be weird coming to her with all of this, if you don't know her too well maybe you feel it's not your place. But I'd advise you to do it anyway. Someone has to speak up in situations like this, and you can't always rely on the people closer to her to be the ones to do so. I know years ago we had a problem in my group of friends where a guy was regularly cheating on his long term girlfriend and it seemed she was the only one who didn't know. A few people talked about telling her, but her closest friends would always say that it wasn't their place to tell her and suggested they'd do it. But then they never did. Looking back, I wish one of us had just spoken up.

[Everlong]

How the fuck do things like that actually happen in real life?

Have you talked to A to try to explain this situation? I don't feel particularly sorry for her in the sense that at some point, if she's unhappy with all this shit that's going on with M she needs to just take a stand. I feel bad for her in the sense that she's clearly being manipulated, but she's allowing it to go on as well.

As for M and H, wtf? It just boggles my mind that these kinds of things actually happen to real people. The group of people I hang out with is just so... normal, haha.

[PorkChop]

The whole thing is such a clusterfuck

I don't really know M and H, I'm sort of mild acquaintances with them through uni as they lived on my floor in student halls. I've distanced myself from them since, for a reason haha. As for A, I've thought about getting involved but it's also not my place. She's another mild acquaintance. I'm not sure what to do and neither is L, or A's mum for that matter. It's just such a ridiculous situation.

EDIT: And no Hanley, H doesn't have a boyfriend. She looks like she belongs in Jabba's Palace.

[Everlong]

It is your place though if L is one of your best friends. Be a bro and help him out!