The Canvas - Chapter 2

[Daz]

Thought I might as well post this. Doing what I hope is a final edit and locking off chapters as I go through. Depending on the feedback, I might keep posting chapters until the end of the first story arc. That's about 30,000 words or so.



Synopsis
The Canvas revolves around the exploits of professional wrestler Wade O’Ryan (Orion, “The Hunter”) who begins his career in the late 70’s and early 80’s, as well as O’Ryan’s family and colleagues. Volume I's primary focus is the romance between Wade and Valerie Linden and Wade’s struggle to reconcile the duality of his life on the road and life at home.

Chapter One
http://www.keepandshare.com/doc/6963343 ... -326k?da=y

Chapter Two
http://www.keepandshare.com/doc/5903579 ... -390k?da=y

[Str8Shooter]

Great start man!! Had me getting into it for sure! I would imagine anybody who's remotely a wrestling fan would be intrigued enough to keep reading.

Only thing I would consider a slight constructive criticism. When Wade finds out that wrestling is a work, I would have liked to read more about his reaction. I mean his whole life up to that point revolved around wrestling and now everything he thought he knew about it was turned upside down and it just went right into him wanting to learn more. I would imagine it would have been a bit more of a mindfuck for him than that.

But still, I hope you keep posting the followup chapters. I'm looking forward to reading more.

[Hanley!]

I'll have more thoughts for you on this soon, man. I've been studying for the last couple of months and the first thing that always eats up is my reading/writing time. But I'm done after tomorrow so I look forward to reading more.

I enjoyed the first chapter a lot though; the prose works well and the major characters already have a bit of established personality. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of it.

[Daz]

I'll have more thoughts for you on this soon, man. I've been studying for the last couple of months and the first thing that always eats up is my reading/writing time. But I'm done after tomorrow so I look forward to reading more.

I enjoyed the first chapter a lot though; the prose works well and the major characters already have a bit of established personality. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of it.

No problem sir. As I said, still going through, chopping and changing every word of every sentence lol. Any thoughts and opinions are welcome, but I'm not in any particular rush.

[Str8Shooter]

@daz

You didn't like my advice so much you didn't even respond to it

[Daz]

@Daz

You didn't like my advice so much you didn't even respond to it

Oh shit, I meant to.

As far as the constructive criticism goes, it's a fair point. There was just so much information to try and put out there, I didn't want to overwhelm the reader right from the outset. There's so much I cut, like a whole page or so about Ace's background, the Coco Santana scene was much longer, there was a great deal more with Wade's parents, and originally there was about 2,000 words on the history of the territory and the UWA (Which is my equivalent of the NWA in the book) so a lot of it had to go. My thinking with the scene you're talking about is this; Wade is portrayed as having his suspicions about the business prior to the revelation that it's a work, so it isn't so much turning his world upside down, but rather receiving confirmation of what he already knows. Also, a large focus on the first half of the story is Wade keeping the nature of the business a secret from his loved ones, so it's not something I wanted to harp on about too early. It definitely has a presence in the book. Even so, maybe it could be clearer, maybe it's something I should elaborate on more. Definitely a fair point.

Strangely the thing I was most worried about getting called on, was almost over describing the Sportatorium in the early portions, and starting too many consecutive paragraphs with the word "The". I'd bet good money almost nobody cares and or noticed it, but for some reason, I can't stop obsessing about it lol.

[Str8Shooter]

@daz

Yeah it's only the first chapter so obviously you know what's to come more than me. It was a minor thing anyway, hardly something to be too worried about.

I didn't even think about the Sportatorium being overdescribed or the use of "the" too much. So for your average reader it might not be a concern.

I'm not sure how the backstory of the UWA could be worked in. It might help with the readers immersion in the story, but at the same time you probably don't want an entire history lesson in the main story. Maybe some sort of a prologue before the actual chapters start? Or maybe just try and intersperse little bits of the backstory throughout the main story?

[Daz]

Yeah, the few people who have read the thing all the way through were non-wrestling fans, and the general feedback was to break up the big wrestling heavy info dumps. I've pretty much dispensed with most of them, because they were a little indulgent and probably only interesting to me lol. The important stuff I peppered in throughout the main story with dialogue to give it a bit more life, and also give roles to some of the supporting characters, educating the main character.

It's pretty ridiculous the amount of thought and tinkering that goes into this shit. I have a new respect for editors because at times it feels as though you're trying to piece together a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the final image looks like.

[Daz]

Updated with...

Chapter Two
http://www.keepandshare.com/doc/5903579 ... -390k?da=y