by Everlong » Oct 09, '13, 3:30 pm
Ok so I told my story in Steve's and my thread on WWE-Club about sharting myself at work, but that definitely isn't my best accidental poop story.
So I was a sprightly young lad of 21 at the University of Wisconsin in the Autumn of 2009. I was a senior - big man on campus, well-respected within my fraternity, and of course I could legally purchase and consume alcohol... basically I was king of the world, as we all are at that age.
Well one evening I found myself at a party at the apartment of a few girls I know who were in a sorority that we were paired up with for a year-long philanthropy event. A couple times a month throughout the whole school year we'd take turn hosting these shindigs, but this was the first one of the year and I was still worried about making a good impression on all of these extremely attractive (and rich) young women.
We get to drinking and it was an awesome time. For a small apartment, we put together a pretty bumpin party with about 50 people crammed into there. Now, earlier that evening I had made the mistake of eating not one, but two Qdoba burritos. Not only had I most surely ingested about 3500 calories of burrito, but all of it was heading straight toward the lower intestine.
It gets to be about 1:00 AM and I realize with a start that I have to take a massive shit. But it's a small apartment, and I can't very well take a shit in a hot chick's bathroom, can I? My drunken self thoroughly agreed with my subconscious mind - of course not! So I held that puppie in, and was prairie dogging it for at least another hour or so.
It gets to be 2:30 AM and people are starting to pair off. Fortunately I had a girlfriend at the time, so rather than having to make a choice between getting laid and taking a dump, I was able to make the smart decision and realize that it was now or never. Either I took a shit in her toilet, or I got the fuck out and jetted it to somewhere I could release the kraken.
I made my decision - fuck and no I was not going to poop in this apartment. I don't want my first impression with these chicks to be the poop guy. So I left without warning and started speedwalking home. Now, unfortunately this apartment was completely across campus from my house, and the University of Wisconsin has a pretty huge campus. It was going to be at least a 25 minute walk for me to get there... unless I jogged it.
So I started jogging, passing by people here and there as they drunkenly stumbled home from their parties and from the bars. But the more I jogged, the more it jostled the shit within me to the point where there was no way I was going to be able to hold it in any longer. So I had to act fast to avoid shitting my pants. I spotted a quiet-looking building on a street that had a lot of student houses... it looked like a small parking structure of some sort. There were bushes lining it. There was no time to reason with myself... I dropped trow and blasted that shit out in the bushes, then ran the rest of the way home and showered and threw my clothes in the laundry in case there were any remnants clinging to me.
Now, I was drunk as fuck at the time, but it still seemed like I got home without anyone seeing me. And as far as I know, I did. But it turns out the next day, I get a call from my girlfriend asking me about my night. I'd apparently called her immediately after taking the shit and left a voicemail filling her in on every single disgusting detail of the previous hour and a half. She never stopped giving me shit for it. Pun somewhat intended.
The end.
YOU HEARD IT FROM TAJ FIRST FOLKS
