What would your scout report look like?

[PorkChop]

- Natural centre back, but can fill in as a deep-lying playmaker. This is preferred as it involves less running.
- Left foot exists purely for standing.
- Has the agility of a cruise liner.
- Regularly attempts audacious shots from the half way line, which never go in. Continues to do it anyway.
- Prone to committing horror challenges and protesting innocence.
- 100% penalty conversion rate (I took one in 2009 and scored it)
- Once got booked for mocking a female referee's mullet.

Avoid signing.

[SlightlyJames]

- 1 Full Team, please.

[Chewy]

- strong and fast, good motor.
- great attitude, loves football
- Makes great runs.
- just don't get him near the ball or it goes to pot.

[Daz]

- Doesn't communicate with his back four
- Has the vertical leap of a crippled goose
- Doesn't like diving to the left cause he has a wonky knee
- Has an athletic ability that suggest he was once quite supple and agile ... he's well past that though.
- Will try to coach the entire team from his own goal line
- Prone to do erratic things, like go up for corners, against the manager's wishes
- Surprisingly excellent at one on ones. Wouldn't think it to look at him.

- You'd be mental if you even thought about having him as a 4th option.

[Westcoastvibes]

-Earn badge for "carving wood"
- Go on father/son picnic
- Help elderly people cross the road
- Become an eagle scout
- Never have true friends in life.

[Hanley!]

- Natural forward.
- Capable of scoring a lot of goals.
- Allergic to shooting from long distances. Only scores by almost walking the ball straight into the net.
- Refuses to head the ball. If ball is kicked above chest height he will dive to the ground like an idiot.
- If presented with an open goal, he will panic and immediately pass the ball to someone else.
- Sliding tackles are a foreign concept.
- CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT: Winning a week of chicken burgers for scoring the most goals in his school one year.

Avoid signing.

[ShaneOfan]

Eric was invited to the try outs discredits were as follows.

-Showed up to "football" practice in pads and a helmet. Was very confused.

-Requested to play tight end or line backer. Was denied both times.

-Thought they gave in when they made him a left back. Proceeded to assault the opposing team's Attacking forward. When questioned, Eric stated that the other player should have had a red jersey if he was not supposed to be hit.

-After being taken aside and explained in detail, that this is what Americans call soccer and not some new NFL Euro leage, Eric was cut.

-On his way out, Eric asked for one more chance, say he wants to quote "be one of those fellows who gets drunk fights the Micks and Frenchies"

-Eric is expected to be drafted near the middle rounds of the hooligan draft.

[PorkChop]

- CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT: Winning a week of chicken burgers for scoring the most goals in his school one year.

This is the greatest thing.

[UTK]

-Hasn't played soccer in literally 6 years.
-Requests to be a starter for Man United.

[Twister]

- Not kicked a ball in over 8 years
- Six weeks post partum
- Natural bench warmer

Avoid signing at all costs.

[DBSoT]

-Gym Rat
-Always deflects blame away from teammates on to himself
-Isn't as athletic as some, but makes up for it with heart
-Unselfish
-Scrappy
-Various other White athlete cliches.

[War Daddy]

-Straight up balla'
-Ball so hard
-Niggas wana fine me

[Circled Square]

- bad at kicking
- bad at running
- bad on offense
- bad on defense



.....you're PERFECT FOR THE TEAM BUD.

[AkydefGoldberg]

Puts alot of effort in, namely running, but is barely noticeable and none of his team-mates end up passing to him.

He could be a poor man's Ji Sung Park.