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Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby Everlong » Jan 10, '14, 10:42 pm

Locke wrote:Why didn't anyone just figure it was dog shit? :lol


Haha, for all I know maybe they did, but I didn't stick around to find out :P
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby PorkChop » Jan 13, '14, 5:39 pm

I've got a girl coming round tomorrow night, decided to clean the whole house, including the toilet. Having washing up gloves on with an arm down the toilet brought back memories.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby PorkChop » Sep 17, '14, 10:41 am

Bumping this thread, as I shat myself today.

I've managed to get myself a temporary job, which is pays well but unfortunately involves a lot of travelling as I have to move constantly from site to site. I don't have my car with me as if I use public transport my expenses are paid. This is a rather important point, as it will explain some of my decisions in the upcoming story.

Today was a busy day, so during a moment's break, I decided to get a sausage and egg sandwich from a local cafe. This, in hindsight, was a terrible decision. At the time it tasted alright, but about half an hour later I began experiencing a dark ache in the pit of my stomach. It was here I knew I was on borrowed time. At this point, my shift ended in an hour's time, and it would probably take me another hour to get home on top of that. I decided to gamble, and hold it in until I got home. Another terrible decision.

I managed to control the ache for a while, at least until the end of my shift. However, when faced with the prospect of going home and exorcising this demon, my rectum began to rebel against me. It couldn't handle the anticipation. I needed to shit, fast. I'd started breaking out in cold sweats, and despite clenching my cheeks as hard as I could and walking like John Wayne to the bus station, I knew it was a race against the clock. So, I got a taxi instead.

The taxi ride was a horrible experience. On the window there was a sticker which said "All passengers are recorded for safety reasons". This was it, I thought - I'm going to shit myself in the back of this taxi and they'll all watch me do it. They'll dig up the video each year at their annual parties and cry with laughter. They'll watch my expression of complete and utter defeat as I leave a steaming loaf of shit in my pants, and then they'll make me pay a fine afterwards. We seemed to hit every red light on the way home too, and were stuck behind a learner driver for a solid twenty seconds. That may not sound long, but it was. It really was.

I got out the taxi outside my house, wished the driver well, and I shat myself. By the time I'd made it to the toilet, it already was too late. My gamble hadn't paid off. It looked as if someone had poured a pint of chicken tikka masala and Cesar dog food into my trousers, some of it on the floor as well.

I managed to take off my boxers and trousers while I was on the toilet, but again found myself in a difficult situation - for we have a downstairs bathroom, and I now had to make my way through the house, naked from the waist down and covered in shit. Luckily I was home alone, but in order to avoid people outside seeing me through the window, I began to crouch down and tactically make my way upstairs. Imagine a cross between Sam Fisher from Splinter Cell and Gollum, but naked and covered in feces.

Anyway, after spending the best part of an hour standing in the shower thinking about where my life went wrong, here you go. I hope your day as a lot better than mine.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby Viazon » Sep 17, '14, 11:35 am

I know what I'm getting Porkchop for Christmas this year.

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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby Hanley! » Sep 17, '14, 12:16 pm

^^ I'm just getting him a filter. :P
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby BrautFan » Jan 02, '16, 12:20 pm

I cannot recall doing this. I'm sure my parents would say otherwise...

But, no one wants to see the results of a bowel obstruction. So keep on shitting, my friends. :clap Just get to the right place first, please.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby Kreashko » Jun 23, '16, 6:48 pm

Last night. :facepalm

I was sleeping, woke up after I apparently farted and yeah, I pooped.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby AkydefGoldberg » May 22, '17, 4:03 am

So, having battling constipation for how long, had a scary moment at work this morning that I had to share..

We have a first floor toilet of two cubicles that are shared between a few organisations.

I leave a log lying in the toilet, toilet is bit deep at the bottom but I knew this bastard wouldn't shift at all. I was on my own, so I quickly thought best thing would be to leave it as it is. The other toilet was spare, so I quickly (so quick, my trousers were at knee high at this point) so I went into the other one thinking, 'at least if someone comes in, they can't look at me as I was not in the offending cubicle'. But I cleaned up, washed my hands and got out of there!

Now it's a long wait as I'll have to play the 'it wasn't me' and joke it off if it gets mentioned.

Just hope our landlord doesn't have any cameras in that area outside the toilets to notice my entrance and exit after a slightly longer period...
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby Viazon » May 30, '17, 11:53 am

As a 30 year old man, I never thought I would be posting a story in this thread. But alas, it happened. Last night.

So I was showering up last night, getting ready for bed when I was suddenly struck down with diarrhea. I tried to go to bed but I kept getting up all night to go to the toilet. Every time I farted it was always a little bit more than a fart and had to go clean up. Eventually I decided that I need my sleep and can't keep getting up. I woke up in the morning to a little bit of a mess. It wasn't enough to say that I full on shit my pants but it was definitely more than just a few skid marks. And it was definitely enough to seep through into my bed sheets. Needless to say, I absolutely let loose on the toiler after getting out of bed. I really needed to get it all out of me before I went to work. It was horrible. And to top it all off, I started throwing up. There's definitely something not right.

I did not end up going to work.
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Last edited by Viazon on May 30, '17, 12:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby prophet » May 30, '17, 12:19 pm

Viazon wrote:As a 30 year old man, I never thought I would be posting a story in this thread. But alas, it happened. Last night.

So I was showering up last night, getting ready for bed when I was suddenly struck down with diarrhea. I tried to go to bed but I kept getting up all night to go to the toiler. Every time I farted it was always a little bit more than a fart and had to go clean up. Eventually I decided that I need my sleep and can't keep getting up. I woke up in the morning to a little bit of a mess. It was enough to say that I full on shit my pants but it was definitely more than just a few skid marks. And it was definitely enough to seep through into my bed sheets. Needless to say, I absolutely let loose on the toiler after getting out of bed. I really needed to get it all out of me before I went to work. It was horrible. And to top it all off, I started throwing up. There's definitely something not right.

I did not end up going to work.

:sherman
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby AkydefGoldberg » May 31, '17, 3:33 am

Viazon wrote:As a 30 year old man, I never thought I would be posting a story in this thread. But alas, it happened. Last night.

So I was showering up last night, getting ready for bed when I was suddenly struck down with diarrhea. I tried to go to bed but I kept getting up all night to go to the toilet. Every time I farted it was always a little bit more than a fart and had to go clean up. Eventually I decided that I need my sleep and can't keep getting up. I woke up in the morning to a little bit of a mess. It wasn't enough to say that I full on shit my pants but it was definitely more than just a few skid marks. And it was definitely enough to seep through into my bed sheets. Needless to say, I absolutely let loose on the toiler after getting out of bed. I really needed to get it all out of me before I went to work. It was horrible. And to top it all off, I started throwing up. There's definitely something not right.

I did not end up going to work.


Like Gary Lineker on Twitter, every message you post on here will be replied with 'Shat your pants' or to that effect..

Hope you get well soon
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby PorkChop » May 31, '17, 5:28 am

AkydefGoldberg wrote:Like Gary Lineker on Twitter, every message you post on here will be replied with 'Shat your pants' or to that effect..Hope you get well soon

Shat on Viazon
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby AkydefGoldberg » Jun 26, '17, 3:36 pm

This is an Eid celebration I won't forget any time soon.

I ate fairly modestly but from evening onwards, I was shitting through the eyes of a needle constantly. No idea what sparked it off as no one else has had problems but fuck, still not the same today. Struggling to eat as normally.

I don't know what's worse: a horrid case of diarrhoea or constipated to the point you could - painfully - push out a shit the size of a brick!
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby Viazon » Jun 28, '17, 2:50 am

I have always thought the absolutely worst cases of constipation are worse than the worst cases of diarrhea.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby PorkChop » Jun 28, '17, 5:43 am

I had a mate who was hospitalised due to constipation. They x-rayed him and all the shit inside of him showed up as a luminous white, like it was as hard as bone. Remarkably, he's still alive.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby AkydefGoldberg » Jun 28, '17, 9:21 am

:vince3

Fuck, how did he get to that point and what was the cause of it?

I feel like I've had eternal battles with constipation so surprised that's not been me as well.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby VaderBomb » Jun 28, '17, 10:47 am

I was at the beach on Monday with some friends and I shat my crack, which only about 1% leaked out into my pants. Luckily there were bathrooms (a long, grueling walk) where I could clean up. As I was in the stall sitting on the toilet, I noticed a bit of brown chunks on the floor. I looked under the wall over to the next stall and saw that someone legit crapped all over the floor directly in front of the toilet. Who the fuck does that and why?

On our way home, a young doe ran out of the woods and we hit it with our car. My girlfriend was very upset because she'd never hit an animal before. We pulled over and I ran to check on the deer who was lying on the side of the road. I watched it take it's last breath and it died in front of me. I blamed crapping myself on the timing of this sad moment, while obviously understanding that it couldn't have been avoided and nobody was truly to blame.

The following day (yesterday), my girlfriend and I were watching Jaws 2 and I cleared my throat to break up some flem. The clearing of the throat made me legit shit my pants. So I paused the movie, cleaned out my bathing suit (I wear them as pants in the summer, usually without underwear. It's very comfortable.) with wet wipes whilst diarrhea dumping into the toilet and then washed them thoroughly in the shower. Don't worry, no doo-doo particles ended up in my shower, I cleaned it all out but had to rid the shorts of the slight stain that remained.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby Everlong » Jun 30, '17, 9:09 am

Yes. I love that this thread is still going.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby VaderBomb » Jun 30, '17, 9:58 am

Everlong wrote:Yes. I love that this thread is still going.


We'll never stop!...



...shitting ourselves.
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Re: Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

Postby PorkChop » Sep 05, '17, 1:58 pm

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-41167296

I would laugh, but this is the kind of thing that would 100% happen to me.
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