Tell us the times where you have, or nearly have, shat yourself.

[PorkChop]

Or just had a general toilet-related mishap. We've had this thread before, but we decided in the chatbox to get it going again. To get the thread rolling, I shall tell you all the time where I blocked my girlfriend's toilet, three weeks into our relationship.

Gather round.

So, I was seeing a girl last year, who had just bought a flat. I was helping her move in and organise her things, and I'd been holding in a shit for a solid 4 or 5 hours. I don't like going for a shit in a house that's not my own, hence why I'd held it in for so long - coupled with the fact that it was my new girlfriend's new flat. Eventually, we called it a night and sat down on the sofa for a while, when it struck me. I could no longer hold this demon inside me - I was sweating, and my body was making groaning sounds. I HAD to go, like it or not.

I came up with the excuse that I was going to have a shower. Not only would the shower excuse mask the sound of me shitting, but it would also buy me enough time in the bathroom to have a shit. So, I went in the bathroom, turned the shower on, filled the toilet with paper (a must when you're at a girl's house) and exorcised the demon. It was not pleasant - it was so intense I had to take off my shirt.

Afterwards, I turned off the shower, and flushed the toilet. Nothing. Flushed it again. Nothing. The sheer amount of shit mixed with toilet paper had caused a blockage, and after two flushes, the water level had risen to a few inches below the rim of the toilet. I couldn't risk a third flush, as I would be faced with the possibility of flooding my girlfriend's new bathroom with shitty water. I had to act quickly - so I got the toilet brush and mashed it up, in the hope that this would get rid of the blockage. It didn't. Instead, it just turned everything in the bowl into a curry-like substance.

I knew at this point I was in trouble. But alas, Porky had a plan. I opened the bathroom door and heard my girlfriend on the phone, oblivious to the horrors going on in the other room. Excellent. I ran into her kitchen, and found some washing up gloves. I put them on, returned to the bathroom, kneeled down and pushed my shit down the toilet like a fucking man.

The water level dropped instantly (most of it went inside my fucking glove) and I left the bathroom, binning the gloves. The war was over.

I went back in the living room and sat next to my girlfriend on the sofa, and we finished watching an episode of House. She cuddled into me and said I smelled nice. Unbeknownst to her, I hadn't showered at all and had literally just pushed the mother of all turds down her toilet with the hand she was now holding. It turned out she was on the phone to her mum the whole time, and had no idea about the whole thing. We then went to bed and had sex.

An amazing turn of events - in the same hour I went from elbow-deep in my own shit to balls-deep in my girlfriend.

Moved to PubTalk Classics on April 23rd, 2014

[Str8Shooter]

I'm telling you right now, Porky's post is going to be Post of the Year 2014, nothing else will touch it. We're all just competing for runner up.

[RatedRBowler]

I'm telling you right now, Porky's post is going to be Post of the Year 2014, nothing else will touch it. We're all just competing for runner up.

Absolutely true. That was pure gold. The last sentence was the perfect cap to an extraordinary tale. Bravo sir.

[Viazon]

Excellent. I ran into her kitchen, and found some washing up gloves. I put them on, returned to the bathroom, kneeled down and pushed my shit down the toilet like a fucking man.

I commend you for this sir. Any mere mortal man would have given up before it got this far and admitted defeat. But not you. You were adamant that you would not face that unbearable and embarrassing conversation with your girlfriend. You did what had to be done.

By the way, for future references. My friend is a plumber and he told me that when the toilet is block, the best thing to do it get a mop and just shove it repeatedly into the toilet until the water goes down. Works every time apparently.

[The Legend]

Awkward question, have they not invented plungers in England yet?

[Georgerv]

I have now words for that post, I don't know whether to applaud or shake my head or.....

Anyway, my story's a lot shorter and far less exciting. I was in a club having taken a little too much of something and in my head it felt like I was straining to fight off a giant who was attacking the stage at a festival, in real life however I almost crapped myself right in the middle of the dancefloor. I slyly made my way to the bathroom which was not easy as it felt like the floor was crumbling underneath me, and pretty much fell straight into the toilet stall and remained there for around half an hour (according to my friends anyway, the concept of time was lost on me), drawing butterflys on the stall door.

Overall a pretty good night I think

[dakotabear]

I can never look at a curry in the same way again..........

[Viazon]

I was gonna post this story last night but it was late and I was tired. It doesn't top Porkies but it's the best one I can come up with.

A couple of years ago a had a bad stomach bug. I had to go home early from work because I felt so ill. When I got home I spent the rest of the day vomiting and crapping. It was not pleasant. Anyway, this was a friday. And this was during a time when me and my friends would go out every weekend. I was hoping I would feel better the next day so I could go out saturday night.

So I wake up saturday morning and I feel slightly better. I go out with my friends that night. After a few drinks, it became clear that I in fact did not feel better. I started to feel really ill again. We were in a bar and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to go into the toilets and take a crap. It was the first time I had ever done that while out clubbing. I always figured it was just a big no no and never thought I would ever have to do it. But desperate times.

Needless to say my friends mocked me for most of the night. Eventually, I felt so ill that I had to go home. When I got home, I spent the whole night vomiting and crapping. I was off work until the following thursday.

[prophet]

I have no crap stories but I'll post the one I shared in the chat-box last night.

So I'm at the Cinema with this girl and things are going great. I was wearing these grey slack pants, nothing too fancy because we're both laid back people and didn't need to dress to impress. Anyway after the film I go to the bathroom to take a piss and wouldn't you know it I get a serious case of splash-back. Now on grey slacks this caused quite a massive, noticeable damp patch on my crotch and so I was fucked.

I couldn't go out there looking like I'd pissed myself but I also couldn't afford to take my sweet time trying to dry the stain because she'll think I'm taking the mother of all dumps. There were no cubicles available at the time and so to avoid being caught drying myself I stood in the corner of the room and began mopping my crotch. It's at this point I notice one or two people stood watching me. I pay them no heed and continue frantically rubbing my crotch when it dawns on me why I'm being observed so acutely - it looks like I'm having a wank in the bathroom.

I'm in a horrible predicament now as I turn with an embarrassed smile on my face, thrusting my cock towards this group of strangers, so as to let them know that I wasn't having a wank but rather I was merely drying my damp patch on my pants. Rather than understand my plight and offer looks of sympathy I'm instead met by looks of disgust or stifled giggles - it's clear that these strangers think I've pissed myself too. Naturally I'm worried at this point that the girl is getting suspicious and so I wait for the room to clean out and make my way over to the hand-dryer.

Now as you all know the hand-drying machines are always located near the door as you tend to use them on the way out of the toilets. I walk over to the machine and activate it before standing on my tip-toes, leaning back and trying to thrust my crotch towards the machine so it'll dry me and I can leave. In order to keep the machine on I have to sort of semi-jump and thrust. I do this for a good number of minutes before I realise that the door is open and there are one or two people stood there waiting to get past me and to the toilets. I also notice that the girl I'm with is stood looking at me as she'd moved closer to the door to see what was taking so long and the answer she'd concluded was that I was trying my best to fuck the hand-dryer. I was mortified.

Needless to say I sheepishly exited the bathroom and explained the whole story, she found it hilarious and adorable. Me not so much although in hindsight I guess it was pretty funny!

[PorkChop]

Awkward question, have they not invented plungers in England yet?

If there was one nearby, I would have used it. Putting on washing up gloves and pushing it down was the last resort, but it had to be done. I had no other choice.

If any of you find yourself in the same situation as I was, here are my top three tips:

1) Time is not on your side. There's only one thing worse than pushing your own shit down the toilet, and that's having your girlfriend walk in on you while you're on your knees with an arm elbow-deep in a toilet full to the brim with shit. Be swift, be nimble; go straight for the blockage, extend your fingers and push repeatedly, in a sort of stabbing motion. You'll see results within about 10 seconds.

2) Make sure to hide the gloves as deep in the bin as they'll possibly go. Questions will be asked if your girlfriend finds washing up gloves covered in shit when she opens the lid of the bin. You don't want to be faced with that.

3) Initiate affection with your girlfriend after the ordeal, for two reasons; firstly, to receive confirmation as to whether she knows about what just happened. I knew my girlfriend was oblivious to what had happened in her bathroom as afterwards she cuddled into me and held my hand. If she'd secretly known what had happened but was being polite and denying all knowledge about it, she'd still probably be reluctant to get close to me for a little while. Unclogging a toilet is a dirty job. You don't want someone physically close to you after they've just unclogged a toilet. As she got close to me, I felt this confirmed that she legitimately had no idea of the horrors I'd just done, giving me peace of mind.

Secondly, remember that things could have ended up much worse. As I said in my first point, she could have walked in on you in a precarious and questionable position. She'd have broken up with you immediately and would have told all her friends about what she'd seen. You'd be a laughing stock. You'd walk down the street, and people would point at you and whisper to one another about that time you were caught on your knees with your hand down the toilet. Your reputation would be ruined and you'd die alone. So take a moment to be grateful for what you have. Show your girlfriend affection as moments ago, you ran the risk of breaking up with her and mentally scarring her for life.

You can always PM me for further advice. Remember, preparation is key.

[Westcoastvibes]

God you are all sick fucks

What happens on the toilet stays on the toilet

However, my brother once told me a interesting story...
One morning he woke up and instantly felt that something was different in his mouth, something was wrong. He went to the bathroom and inspected himself in the mirror realising that he had lost a prosthetic crown on one of his teeth. After searching him bed, under the bed, next to the bed and all over he came to the conclusion that he must have swallowed it.
So instead of accepting defeat like a normal man he decided to take action. He went to the local pharmacy and purchased a strong laxative, consumed it in the parking lot at like 5 times the recommended dose, went home and immediately started SHITING INTO HIS BATHTUB!
After trial and error with various instruments like rubber gloves, coat hangers, plunger handles and more he decided to grab the removable shower wand and "wash" his shit. Apparently after 2 hours of this he finally located his missing crown.

Now, once again instead of accepting defeat and taking to crown to the dentist so his crown could be sterilized and reattached he ran to his junk drawer in the kitchen and grabbed a can of compressed air computer cleaner and a tube of gorilla glue (similar to super glue but more aggressive and sticks to anything). He took his crown and washed it in the sink with engine degreaser and a water rinse, squirted some of that gorilla glue in the hole of his crown, sprayed the computer cleaner all over his exposed tooth to dry it off and then shoved that fucker right back on there!
To this day the fucking thing has not come off again and he has absolutely no regrets with what he did even though the whole family picks on him constantly about it. Last year he came to visit and we went to a local eatery, after getting his meal he made a comment about how the food tasted like "compete and total shit", at which point I looked at him and asked him if his crown was finally coming loose. Every one at the table simultaneously chocked on their food or shit out their drinks and he stormed out of the place stomping his feet. He stayed in the car while we all finished our food, afterwords I told him I could not pass up an opportunity like that but still apologized to him and we went out to the bar and got fucking hammered.

[AkydefGoldberg]

Porky and Prophet's stories would be a perfect fit in a scene of the Inbetweeners - LMAO! I'd expect Jay and Neil to be actors for the stories respectively.

As a kid, I'd blocked the toilets regularly with my 'logs' as I suffered from constipation quite alot and still do sometimes.

But my closest scare was when I was at school. I had a dodgy stomach and was in the lesson before lunch, and couldn't go to the toilet as I'd already been before for a leak, so with my stomach in knots, the number two crept out of my ass and stuck between my ass crack like a sandwich. The lesson is over. I thought about this carefully.

I have to be the last one out - I can't go first out or in the middle - the last. So I took an age putting my books away as everyone exited, including my mates. I slowly got up, tucked the chair (it was I.T so luckily those comfy chairs) in and looking at it apologetically as if to say "I'm really sorry".

I tried to walk normal and disappeared for lunch, avoided my mates and tried to stay out of harms way. Next lesson I was sat in those chairs with a metal frame (UK folks will know) and luckily sat on my own with someone sat behind me although he didn't say owt. So again, waited till everyone was gone before exiting. Last lesson was in an I.T room so the comfy chairs helped again, waited till everyone had gone and stayed on my own.

The relief I felt getting home and going to bathroom was indescribeable.

I'd pulled it off and avoided what would have been the end of my school life.

[Everlong]

Ok, as promised, my story.

So it was the fall of 2009, and I was a badass Senior at my college. By now I pretty much ruled the entire campus of 45,000 people of course, so the beginning of this school year held a whole ton of promise.

I was involved in Greek life, and had at one point been the president of my fraternity. This year, however, I was able to take a step back and enjoy myself a bit more and let the younger guys run things. Therefore, I was finally able to get involved with a philanthropy event called Humorology, which basically is a gigantic competition where fraternities and sororities get paired together to write their own unique 20-minute musical.

This was still in late September, so we were still in the "getting to know each other" phase of our pairing with our sorority. I was on the leadership with this pairing, as well as a couple other guys from my frat and a few girls from the sorority. One of the girls recommended that we have a party to kick things off and help people get to know each other. I was all about that. We decided to have it at her apartment (sorority houses are not allowed to have parties, and our frat house was having a recruitment event on the chosen day). It was settled.

So the day of the party comes. I met up with a couple of my frat brothers at QDoba to grab some food, then we headed over the party. So we're all there and having a good time. Most of the cast came, which isn't a huge amount like 30 people, but still enough to have pretty decent party. Now I get to talking with the host girl, who was pretty damn attractive, and am getting a bit flirtatious. Well, the night continues to go on, everybody's getting drunker, and perhaps it was just my state of inebriation, but I started to think I had a real chance of hooking up with this girl.

However, I had another problem... what the fuck was I thinking eating QDoba right before a party? I should have known better. There was a huge shit brick forming in my lower intestines, and it was getting harder and harder to hold in. I look at the clock and it's like 1 AM and I'm thinking "ok, I can do this." So I hold it in longer, keep flirting, sooner or later it seems like things are for sure going down with this chick. But I'm in a terrible way. There was no way I was in any condition to do the sideways salsa with this chick. I knew I had to make a choice. Either I took a shit in her apartment, or I gave up on this opportunity and went home.

Now, in normal conditions I'd go home ten times out of ten. Shit in a hot chick's apartment? Fuck no. If there's any way you want to guarantee you're not getting any, it's by dropping a shitbomb in her toilet so vile that it clears out the entire party, and knowing my history with QDoba, that's exactly what was about to happen. But I was so convinced that I had this on lock down that I was seriously considering it.

Now I must have blacked out momentarily because I don't remember exactly when I left or if I even said goodbye to anyone, but the next thing I remember is I'm heading home. Now unfortunately, my frat house is completely on the opposite corner of campus from where this chick's apartment is, and campus was huge. It'd be a half hour walk. So I thought to myself, "ok, you can do this." I started to jog it, knowing I couldn't hold it much longer, but every single step started to jostle it out. I was prairie dogging it hard, people.

I get about ten minutes into the 25 minute to half hour walk and I realize there's no way I'm going to be able to make it. I feel it starting to come out, so I get behind a bush and quick pull down my pants and released the kraken all over the side of a building. Unfortunately, I didn't pull down quite soon enough... a little got stuck in my pants, and when I pulled my pants back up I could feel a bit slide down my leg. Whatever, I was drunk as fuck. I didn't give a shit.

Now, I get to my street and see that the people two houses down from my frat house are having a party. They're out playing beer pong on their porch. Someone yells out to me "HEY BRO, WANT A SHOT?" which of course I did. So I went up and took a few shots with them. Suddenly someone was like "wow what smells like shit up here?" Now I suddenly remembered my "shitty" predicament, and realized that a little bit of the shit that had caught into my pants had leaked out of the bottom of my pants leg and was sitting on the deck right next to someone's foot. The person standing next to him realized this as well, and was like "WHAT THE FUCK!" Fortunately, everyone thought it was THAT GUY who had shit himself, not me, so while they all rounded on him, I grabbed a beer and quietly slipped out back to my own house.

I get home, and as far as I can tell nobody is up on my floor. I quickly take off my pants, boxers, socks and shoes, wash them off with soap and water and then throw the pants/boxers/socks into the laundry. Then I jumped in the shower, washed my ass and went to bed.

Next day I woke up, and I'd gotten away with it. Not a single person knew what happened that night. Until I told them this past fall at the wedding of one of my frat brothers, four years after it happened. They thought it was hilarious.

As for the chick, she apparently wound up passing out like 5 minutes after I'd left, and didn't even realize I'd gone. She sent a text apologizing to ME, we wound up hooking up a few times that semester. Victory.

That is my story.

[Everlong]

Also this is one of the best threads ever.

[Settee]

Also this is one of the best threads ever.

Agreed, thread of the year so far.

[AkydefGoldberg]

Remember, preparation is key.

To add my few rules:

1. Always, always DUMP at home. (But pretty muchs standard rule). If you're going to dump at work which I used to do, make sure you give it a quick clean or as some do, put toilet paper around the toilet before you sit.

2. Always make sure the coast is clear before you come out having done a number two. If there's a freshener spray, give that a quick whirl. If someone just happens to be waiting for the toilet outside, just pretend you're ill and say it was something you ate.

[Locke]

I'm loving this thread but I'm sad that I don't have any funny poop stories. I can remember holding my poop until I had stomach aches when a girl was involved, but I never let it get to such a precarious state. I'd just go home, and I guess I'm lucky I was never struck at a time where I couldn't make a convenient exit.

I'll try really hard to think of a time where I've shit myself or damn near shit myself, but I'm really at a loss..

I've been drunk and pissed myself plenty of times, always happens if I go to bed after drinking too many beers or wine.. which is why I avoid doing this now, usually. But none of it involves a funny story. I just woke up and had to do laundry and wash blankets and shit.

[Str8Shooter]

I can't believe Tim let that poor unfortunate soul take the rap for shitting on the sidewalk. That guy is probably in a nuthouse thanks to that moment right now.

[Locke]

Why didn't anyone just figure it was dog shit?

[Buck]

When I made this video.