Dating thread

by **Ali** » Sep 23, '14, 4:42 pm

I've been feeling down recently... I had that hospital stay where these idiotic so-called "doctors" nearly killed me by doing a procedure they shouldn't have, and it made me realize that life is short, too short to spend alone, so I'm gonna pick myself up, get some courage, go out into the world, and...!

And...

And, oh, what's the point? I've got nothing to offer, I've got no self-confidence, I don't know how to even approach this subject, and I just want to hide from the world. I don't know at what point I got the idea in my head that nobody should think of me as a... person with desires, but that attitude has stuck with me forever. Even typing this post makes me anxious, because it's shattering this illusion I've built of myself.

What the hell do I do? And I don't need a "Just get out there, man," answer. If that were all it took, I might have solved this already. I'm lost and scared, and I don't know if anything is even possible for me. I mean, I can't go out whenever I want, I can't stay out late, I need people to help me with basic things like food because I'm not strong enough to feed myself anymore... am I hopeless?

I need advice. More than that, I need a friend.

by **Kirbi** » Sep 23, '14, 5:08 pm

Ali, you're obviously stuck in a really shitty situation, and there's no way I can change that for you. The shit will probably stay for awhile. But we can work on building you a raft.

Ali wrote:I've got nothing to offer

This is where you're wrong. I think you're fun and smart; you've definitely been one of the ones on here whose funny comments made me smile or laugh after a crappy day. And don't think that stuff doesn't matter - it's the stuff of life.

You have plenty to offer, you just can't see it right now.

I get what it's like to be so far down a hole that you can't see the way out anymore; but it's still there. That doesn't mean it's easy getting back up, and it doesn't mean that you do it alone, but you can do it.

I'm guessing the avalanche of people telling you how great you are is about to start - remember that they are not lying to you, and that they're a discerning bunch. You don't just have something to offer; you have a lot.

It's really fucking difficult to make yourself vulnerable like this, and you're a complete boss for doing it. The trick is to keep doing it. It gets easier.

PM me if you want to talk, man.

Once you've got your confidence back, the rest will both fall into place, and not matter.

by **Everlong** » Sep 23, '14, 5:22 pm

Ali,

I'm afraid I'm not quite as eloquent with my advice giving in these sorts of situations as Kirbi seems to be, but all I can do is offer my encouragement. I'm not going to give you a "just get out there" answer, because 1) that's not what you want or need to hear and 2) that's disingenuous. The reality is, as you are well aware, that you've been dealt a shitty hand, and it's really fucking unfair, and it honestly tears my heart out that you feel the way that you do now. But it's totally understandable, and I think that if I were in your situation I probably wouldn't handle it nearly as well as you seem to.

However, the more you start thinking that you have nothing to offer, the more it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't just tell you to "cheer up," if only it were that easy! But I can tell you that I do believe that everyone on this earth has been given a gift of some sort that they can use to contribute to the world, and yours is absolutely your cheerful demeanor and your sense of humor. Even when you yourself are feeling like shit, you make other people smile, and if that's not a worthwhile quality in a human being I don't know what is.

So I can't really offer you any good advice, or even pretend like I know how it feels to be in your situation. But I can at least tell you that you're absolutely not hopeless. Your life has been and is going to be harder than a lot of people's ever will be, but there are still going to be opportunities for you to be able to find just as much joy as everyone else.

Hopefully that helps.

by **Viazon** » Sep 23, '14, 5:48 pm

Ali wrote:I've been feeling down recently... I had that hospital stay where these idiotic so-called "doctors" nearly killed me by doing a procedure they shouldn't have, and it made me realize that life is short, too short to spend alone, so I'm gonna pick myself up, get some courage, go out into the world, and...!

And...

And, oh, what's the point? I've got nothing to offer, I've got no self-confidence, I don't know how to even approach this subject, and I just want to hide from the world. I don't know at what point I got the idea in my head that nobody should think of me as a... person with desires, but that attitude has stuck with me forever. Even typing this post makes me anxious, because it's shattering this illusion I've built of myself.

What the hell do I do? And I don't need a "Just get out there, man," answer. If that were all it took, I might have solved this already. I'm lost and scared, and I don't know if anything is even possible for me. I mean, I can't go out whenever I want, I can't stay out late, I need people to help me with basic things like food because I'm not strong enough to feed myself anymore... am I hopeless?

I need advice. More than that, I need a friend.

I can't tell you the amount of times I have felt like this myself. I wish I had the answers for myself, let alone being able to give them to you.

What I'm about to say may sound cliche and offer no real help. But it's the only thing I can offer right now and it's literally the only thing that keeps me going. But things will get better. I wish I could give you better advice but that's all I have.

Website · by **Hanley!** » Sep 23, '14, 6:05 pm

It's hard for me to understand what you're going through, Ali. But I've got a lot of respect for you for being open about it like this and letting yourself be vulnerable - that's not easy for anybody. The rest of us haven't had to deal with the particulars of your situation so it's going to be hard to put ourselves in your shoes. All we know is that you're a cool guy with a lot to offer.

As you said, you've trained yourself to believe that nobody should think of you as "a person with desires" and maybe changing that attitude is the all important first step. I'm not going to say that you're going to be able to have a relationship the same as everyone else, given your circumstances are different. It sucks and it's unfair, but unfortunately it can't be changed. But you can find something that works for you and your specific circumstances. It takes a lot of courage to go for it though, so I appreciate how hard it must be to even post here and start thinking about this.

While you might not be able to go out on dates like everyone else, you can find companionship and I think that's what everyone here is looking for really. That's the most important part. It sounds unhelpful to suggest you "put yourself out there", because of your medical situation, but maybe it can just mean something different for you. Maybe connecting with people online is a good start.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, man. I wish there was an easy way for us to make this better for you. Anyway, if you do need a friend, you have plenty around here. I know it's just an internet forum and everything, but that doesn't mean the relationships we build here aren't real. Many of us have established friendships that have lasted for years on this place and you've been a valued part of the community for a long time now.

by **DBSoT** » Sep 23, '14, 6:11 pm

The best advice I ever got was "Never let fear dictate what you can do." It sounds corny at first, but when you really think about it, it starts to make sense. We can't control the world around us no matter how much we try to. The only we can truly control are the choices we make. We don't know where those choices will take us, but we know that we made them and no one can take that away. The fear will always be there, but you dont have to let it dictate the choices you make. If you really want someone special then you just can't be afraid to take everything available to you to get that person. You maybe stuck in a rough situation, but you still have a great mind and you can use it to show the world what you have to offer.

On a side note: My current girlfriend told me something back when we were still just friends that will always stick with me. "You will never be happy with someone until you are happy alone." Shortly after that I forced myself out of the friend zone and made a choice to fight through the fear.

by **Kein** » Sep 23, '14, 6:52 pm

Hey Ali, I don't know the type or extent of your MD, and it is definitely a crappy hand to be dealt. I assume it's something you have been dealing with for a while, and seeing as you just got back from the hospital it can be daunting on your moral.

We all have times like it, we are men which makes it hard to admit it due to societal factors, but we are allowed to feel, and we are allowed to be angry and emotional at our life situations. I too, like others, am glad you were able to feel confident and let us know a bit about your situation, and let some of it out, if that helps you keep doing it.

Just remember while you cannot be denied your negative feelings and anger, don't let that be the sole focus of your energy. Everything needs a balance, and while you are angry at your predicament, try to also be positive in some way as well. Easier said than done, I personally find that if I can't find things I like about myself, I find things to better myself. If I like doing something, I try to be better at it, I want to be better at what I enjoy. I want to learn Japanese, instead of wanting to be good at Japanese, study and be good at Japanese. I want to be a better bass player, instead of wanting to be a better player, pick up the bass and practice.

You and I have a commonality, I personally believe I am not good enough for many girls either, which is a totally wrong mentality to have. If we believe we have nothing to offer, we will find someone who we put on a pedestal. We won't treat them as our equal who we wish to share our time with. You want a companion, someone by your side, not someone you are watching. To get there you need to be you, be sure of who you are, and be confident in yourself.

Look at Viazon, the guy comes here and posts about his experiences, people ridicule or disagree with his choices sometimes, but he gives 0 fucks. Viazon knows who he is and knows these girls he meets don't have anything up on him. The only time he had issues? When he put that one girl on a pedestal. This of course doesn't mean to disrespect women. I am not saying that at all, but to place yourself at someones feet is disrespectful to both parties (unless you're both into that I guess...). Devote some energy to building yourself up, be selfish at times (remember balance), and gain your confidence.

I say step 1: while you said you want to hide from the world? Show the world who you are. If they don't like you they don't have to see you again. If they do like you, they may seek you out. Try to go out and do things you like, don't hide, you said it yourself. Life is too short. Too short to let others insignificant opinions stop you from doing what you want to do.

So I'm gonna say it.... Just get out there man! But do it for you... Not for anyone else.

Edit: I just want to say I hope my post came across as encouraging and not condescending. I have suffered depression in the past, and I know it's difficult to even think about what you want. There comes a time when sitting and thinking can only do so much, I hope your transition to action is faster than mine. Please keep us updated if it helps you to talk about it.

by **SKS** » Sep 23, '14, 9:36 pm

The key to life is loving yourself. There are days when I get depressed because I'm alone, and there are days when I feel like a million bucks. As hard as it is to love yourself, you just have to do it. I'm currently working on it with myself. You are worth something to someone even if it doesn't feel that way. I know what it feels like to have people say they appreciate you and they care about you and it not meaning anything to me because of my depression. You just have to see it in yourself that you are worth a damn and people do view you as a valuable part of their life. It's difficult but I have faith in you Ali, you're a great guy and there are people that care about you. Hell, even if you feel like it's just being here on Pubtalk, we all care about each other. I know we don't talk that much but if you need to, I'll be around.

-------------

Figured I'd share some good news. I have (tentatively) 3 dates with 3 different women coming up over the next 2 weeks. I stopped caring about people "judging" me and figured why the hell not act confident in what I say and how I act. Sure, I'm still down on myself, but I'm getting there. Maybe 1 of the 3 dates will work out well. Maybe all 3 (that'd be epic) If not, then I just gotta get back to the drawing board and talk to other girls. I'm really sick of just feeling sorry for myself because I have nothing to complain about in the grand scheme of things, so if I embarrass myself, then so be it. Sure I'll feel bad about it for a while if things don't work out, but I got a lot of more important things to worry about.

Bottom line - Love yourself and everything will fall into place. If it doesn't work out the way you wanted to, then shit happens. I love you all.

by **Enygma** » Sep 24, '14, 4:46 pm

Just reading back through this thread. Some of the stuff Viazon has said on here has left me in tears.

by **Ali** » Sep 25, '14, 3:20 pm

Is it an excuse to blame my family for my frustration? This may not be relevant to "dating", per se, but it might give a bit of insight as to why I've shut myself off from this entire subject. I still live with my parents, and something that my mom did yesterday has made me just constantly steam with anger since then. Needless to say, I don't feel like I'm an adult around them, so I can't bring this up with them because I will always be their little baby that they need to coddle. And I feel like if I do, I'll be teased about it because that's the only way they know how to respond... not teasing out of malice, but because they don't understand what I've been going through, and it's their way of deflecting from an awkward conversation that neither of us want to have!

And yet, I need them for literally every aspect of my survival. I can't be like the average person, who gets to have a period of time away from home, because I can't survive like that. And I don't really have any friends in real life... it's a stupid thought, but the darkest parts of my mind constantly tell me that people only talk to me out of pity. One of the reasons I'm more comfortable talking here is because I feel like that's not the case here. But at the same time, I don't really have any connection to the "outside world", and I have no idea how to get one.

Sorry for ranting so much, but I just need to do this to feel better.

by **Kein** » Oct 08, '14, 11:38 am

I think it is a little bit of an excuse to blame your family. It's not black and white and there isn't a right or wrong in this situation. Historically they may have babied you (and still do) and in many aspects you may need them to be there for you. However if you are unhappy with their hovering and protectiveness, let them know instead of getting frustrated, that you want to try and do some of the things on your own. Communication is key in any relationship, and if they do some things that really upset you be honest but sensitive about it. Even asking them to be patient with you because you are mentally trying to get over some hurdles, and you may be a bit inconsistent on your wants and needs may help them understand you may not even know what you want, but you know you want change.

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again, I really cannot fathom the extent of your situation. I can tell you want to be strong and more independent, but you are also throwing in the towel here saying you need them for literally every aspect to live. All I can do is encourage you to try and challenge everything, and see what you can accomplish on your own without the aid of your parents. Doesn't matter how small, baby steps first, think of something that is simple they normally help you with, and ask if you can try doing it on your own. Step up from there and so forth. You know your limits, but I still challenge them, we kid ourselves all the time on what we can or cannot do.

by **PorkChop** » Oct 12, '14, 4:30 pm

Just had an argument with this girl I was supposed to be meeting up with soon.

One minute she's DTF and then the next she wants a relationship. She also doesn't like it if you don't reply to her texts IMMEDIATELY. No kidding. We were talking earlier while I was at work, and I had to deal with a customer so couldn't text for a moment. I looked at my phone and had three texts from her - a reply to the text I'd just sent, followed by a "fine don't talk then" text ONE MINUTE afterwards, and even worse, a "Oh fuck off then" text ANOTHER MINUTE after that.

I text her back explaining I was at work and had to deal with someone, but also that she can't expect me to text back immediately all the time. I got a reply saying "wow... I would've liked to have dated you but that was really bigheaded". I was like whaaat.

Tbh she was annoying me anyway. The inconsistency between being DTF and then wanting a relationship annoyed me, but on top of that she was needy and very strange. I won't be losing any sleep over this.

by **SortaCreative** » Oct 12, '14, 5:14 pm

Porky - you're better off. You guys didn't really seem to click

Ali - I can't really add much more to what everyone else has said but, we got you man. Just come here to vent and get some shit talked out. It might not be the best right now, but we'll try i'm sure of it. We got your back brah. :cheers

by **War Daddy** » Oct 12, '14, 5:30 pm

Fuck bitches, get money.

by **Kein** » Oct 12, '14, 11:06 pm

Yea, good on your for keeping yourself Porky. Don't settle for shit like that.

Alpha Beast wrote:Fuck bitches, get money.

by **PorkChop** » Oct 13, '14, 5:23 am

I haven't heard from her since, I think she's mad. Time to block her number I think, I might sign her up to Cat Facts or something as well.

by **Twister** » Oct 13, '14, 5:47 am

She sounds nuts, if I were you I'd run for the hills

by **Kein** » Oct 13, '14, 11:32 am

Haha you don't need to be so mean as to sign her up for cat facts! Just let it be and let the storm miss you. No need to throw shit in it.

by **Kirbi** » Oct 13, '14, 4:09 pm

Wait, what?

Where do I subscribe to these cat facts?!

by **Daz** » Oct 13, '14, 4:49 pm

Ali wrote:Is it an excuse to blame my family for my frustration? This may not be relevant to "dating", per se, but it might give a bit of insight as to why I've shut myself off from this entire subject. I still live with my parents, and something that my mom did yesterday has made me just constantly steam with anger since then. Needless to say, I don't feel like I'm an adult around them, so I can't bring this up with them because I will always be their little baby that they need to coddle. And I feel like if I do, I'll be teased about it because that's the only way they know how to respond... not teasing out of malice, but because they don't understand what I've been going through, and it's their way of deflecting from an awkward conversation that neither of us want to have!

And yet, I need them for literally every aspect of my survival. I can't be like the average person, who gets to have a period of time away from home, because I can't survive like that. And I don't really have any friends in real life... it's a stupid thought, but the darkest parts of my mind constantly tell me that people only talk to me out of pity. One of the reasons I'm more comfortable talking here is because I feel like that's not the case here. But at the same time, I don't really have any connection to the "outside world", and I have no idea how to get one.

Sorry for ranting so much, but I just need to do this to feel better.

I'm convinced you and I are the same person.

Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Re: Dating thread

Who is Online Now?