A Memorial Day package opens the show
HHH and Stephanie Segment follows, Steph talks about Bryan doing the “right thing” by surrendering the title. HHH calls Bryan a flash in the pan, and Claims Evolution are legends, and The Shield will find that out on Sunday. Tells Shield they can opt out of their match if they don’t want to perish. Steph then calls out Brad Maddox, Maddox said he had no choice but to allow the Shield to commentate last week, enter Kane... Brad gets killed while the Authority watch. Steph then fires Brad. Poor Brad.
Bo’s Raw debut will be tonight
Raw comes back with Cesaro all ready in the ring
Cesaro vs RVD up next.... but first
Bad News Barrett! Here’s here to tell us that Summer is here, but everyone is too fat to fit into their swimsuits now. Barrett joins commentary. Bad News... RVD kicks Barrett in the face half way through the match.Cesaro beats RVD with a German Suplex after Barrett provides a distraction.
Sheamus runs out and Brogue Kicks Cesaro.
Raw comes back with Eva Marie and Nikki Bella in the ring
Eva Marie vs Summer Rae... yup, really. Enter FANDANGO AND LAYLA!
Eva beats Summer with a devastating roll-up.
Cody and Goldust enter HHH’s office where they meet Orton and Batista, Cody makes a few funny jokes at Orton and Batista’s expense and demands a match. HHH enters and makes the match official, Rhodes Brothers vs Batista and Orton later
3.5MB in the ring when Raw returns from commercial, out comes Los Matadores.
Drew Macintyre vs El Torito... yup double really.
Torito wins after pulling Drew from the top rope... after the match Hornswoggle pulls Torito’s tail off while JBL loses his damn mind on commentary.
(Additional note, I’m losing the will to live and it’s less than an Hour into the show, have begun drinking
heavily)
Raw comes back with a slow motion replay of the de-tailing and the doctor applying ice to Torito’s ass. Someone please gore the bookers, and fast.
Wyatt out next, we get a recap from last week. Followed by a rendition of that “whole world” song we’re all getting sick of. Wyatt says people are joining him as they work out that he, Wyatt, only wants what is best for everyone. Calls himself the cure for life’s poisons, he is a necessary evil that the world needs, “John Cena is an enemy to us all”. Wyatt calls Lawler into the ring, Lawler refuses, Wyatt goads JBL into getting his ass kicked by Rowen and Harper. Lawler finally gets into the ring. Jerry takes a seat in the middle of the ring, Wyatt points out that Cena and Lawler are good friends, and calls out Lawler for heaving his head up Cena’s ass on commentary (I’m paraphrasing).
Cena comes out to save Lawler and gets beat down by Harper and Rowan. Just as Lawler is to get a Sister Abigail the Uso’s come out for the save. John Cena grabs a mic and cuts a pretty good if a little typical promo, claiming justice will be served at Payback.
Crowd are now alive, and popped for Cena saying Bitch.
Raw returns with King and Cole at commentary, JBL has been taken to the back.
ZACK RYDER APPERANCE ON RAW!!! With an American flag too, Ryder grabs a mic, says 4 words and is interrupted by Lana (mmmmmmmm Lana). Anti American promo... PUTIN APPEARENCE ON RAW!!! Out comes Rusev, who also has a few words (literally). I think we know what’s coming here.
Rusev beats Ryder with The Accolade in less than a minute. Rusev wasn’t going to let go, until Big E intervenes throwing Rusev from the ring. Big E then waves the USA flag to a huge pop.
(additional note, too many fucking food commercials)
Batista and Randy Orton out next for their match with the Rhodes Brothers. Both teams get a full entrance. Typical Heel/Face tag match, but boy does Goldust build to a hot tag well. Orton hits an RKO in mid air on Cody Rhodes, then hits a second RKO. 1,2,3! It’s over! But wait, Authority have made it a elimination No DQ match, Batista and Orton start beating the crap out of Goldust. Orton and Batista then continue to beat the crap out of Goldust. Goldust fighting ba... spear to Goldust.
Batista and Orton beat Rhodes Brothers with a Batista bomb on Goldust
It’s almost time for Raw to Bolieve!
Sin Cara is in the ring, JBL is back on commentary. Here comes Bo Dallas!!!!! He TeBO’s in the ring, and then cuts a promo, mixed response from the fans.
Bo Dallas beats Sin Cara with a BOdog, then victory laps around the ring, before getting on the Mic and thanking the Boleivers, and shaking a confused Sin Cara’s hand. Really inspiring stuff right here. Not the speech, just how many times they’ve managed to make puns with Bo’s name in 5 short minutes.
Bryan will be out next with his decision. Uso’s vs Rowan and Harper announced for Main Event tomorrow night.
Out comes Stephanie looking very very happy. Stresses that we need an active WWE champion, Never mind that shit, HERE COMES BRYAN! Huuuuge Pop. Steph’s bitch mode begins, won’t strip Bryan of the title as it would make him a martyr, and fans cheer him enough.... then she talks and talks and talks, Bryan looks conflicted. Bryan’s injury is worse than first thought, says there is no shame in handing over the title. But won’t hand it over as it means too much too the fans... Screams No in her face. Steph shows a clip of Brie pushing her 2 weeks ago, tells Daniel he can either give up the Title at Payback, or Brie will be fired (I know which i’d prefer). Great segment though, I could see Steph getting her ass kicked at Payback.
Recap of the weird finish to Alicia Fox and Paige last week.
Alicia Fox out to the ring for a match, her opponent is Emma. JBL complains about her dancing (boy I’m glad he’s back out here
). Emma gets a nasty Big boot outside the ring half way through the match.Emma beats Alicia Fox with a Hellacious Roll-up. Alicia then attacks Emma after the match, Wharr’a bitch. Then throws a tantrum all around ringside, even wedgies one of the ringside goons. Call me crazy but this seemed to be begging for a Paige run-in.
Adam Rose will be up next, Cole sings along to his song, I cringe... hard. Speaking of Hard, this crazy Alicia thing is really starting to do something for me... anyway. I’m preparing to be a rosebud
Hornswoggle vs Torito in a mask vs Hair match announced for Payback Kickoff, this feud will never die.
Sandow out dressed as Davy Crockett complete with Coonskin Cap. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Enter the party people and Adam Rose.
Rose vs Sandow (I mean Crockett). Swagger hits the stage with Adam Rose’s Lemon, Sandow tried to take advantage but failed, and Rose beats Crockett with a Headlock Driver (that looked ever so slightly different to Ambose’s). Swagger then hits the ring and attacks Rose, until Rose gains the upper hand and clears Swagger from the ring proclaiming “Nobody touches my Lemon!”. Real quality stuff right here, feud of the century being built. Rose parties to the back while the announcers argue about stuff, not sure what, I’d given up listening and started pouring another drink.
Sheamus out next for a match with Del Rio. I down my drink and pour another. Cesaro’s attack on Sheamus last Friday is shown. Del Rio out to the sound of a pin dropping into a bed of feathers. 3 minutes in and the crowd and announcers seem bored, cue some exciting commercials. Raw comes back and the crowd are loud again, it would seem the WWE app got all the good action. Sheamus taking tonnes of headshots, is he concussed?! The commentators certainly seem to think so (spoiler; no, no he’s not) Sheamus beats Del Rio with a Brogue Kick out of nowhere.
Heyman announces big dumb redhead Sheamus the winner, and announces that His Client Brock Lesnar Broke the Undertaker’s streak, Cesaro attacks Sheamus while his back is turned, big knees too the head. Referees try to pull him off but he hits a Neutraliser anyway. Heyman and Cesaro leaver looking ever so pleased. Oh Face Cesaro I hardly knew ya. US Title match will actually mean something at Payback though.
Shield and Evolution’s Contract Signing up next
Raw comes back with a Table and 6 Chairs in the Ring, oh and Cole... brilliant. The Shield cut Cole off before he can finish talking, big time pop for them. Ambrose has the Mic, Reigns begins to throw things out of the ring, Ambrose claims Evolution will be disposed of and eliminated from WWE altogether on Sunday. Everything has been thrown from the ring, and out comes Evolution. HHH on the Mic, claims it’s the Shield’s last night on Raw. HHH says the Shield have thrown their future’s away, the Shield sign the papers anyway and throw the contact to Evolution who are still out of the ring. Batista drops the pen, it was amusing. Reigns invites Evolution into the ring. Mahoosive brawl, Shield with the upper hand until HHH pulls out his trusty sledgehammer, Sledgehammer shots for all three members of the Shield. Triple Powerbomb to Reigns through the Announce Table. Evolution Pose with the Hammer to close the show. Awesome segment.
Quickie Results
Cesaro beats RVD
Eva Marie beats Summer Rae
El Torito beats Drew Macintyre
Rusev beats Zach Ryder
Batista and Orton beat Rhodes Brothers
Bo Dallas beats Sin Cara
Emma beats Alicia Fox
Adam Rose beats Davy Crockett
Sheamus beats Alberto Del Rio
